{"id":3470,"date":"2022-08-08T11:54:16","date_gmt":"2022-08-08T11:54:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cms.mutusystem.com\/en-us\/?p=3470"},"modified":"2024-05-28T21:35:04","modified_gmt":"2024-05-28T21:35:04","slug":"mommy-shame-and-the-lure-of-toxic-positivity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mutusystem.com\/en-us\/post-birth-recovery\/mommy-shame-and-the-lure-of-toxic-positivity\/","title":{"rendered":"Mommy Shame and the Lure of Toxic Positivity"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

The internet is telling you to look on the bright side. But is mindset the only thing making postpartum feel so hard?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can there ever be such a thing as too much positivity? ‘Toxic positivity’? Would we all really be better by trying to be happier all the time? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Positive thinking vs. toxic positivity<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Though positive thinking can have many benefits in our lives, there is such a thing as \u201ctoxic positivity\u201d and it\u2019s increasingly common in our digitized world. It\u2019s a message of only seeing the good in everything, ignoring challenging feelings (always labeled as \u201cnegative\u201d), being shunned for having challenging thoughts that might disrupt someone\u2019s \u201chigh frequencies,\u201d or feeling like you need to move past your own complicated emotions to not bring others down. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Toxic positivity is gaining ground, but it\u2019s far from new. Cults use its lure to charm members with promises of riches and spiritual protection. Corporations use its easy slogans to push for productivity by all means. We see it printed on t-shirts emblazoned with \u201cgood vibes only\u201d trending in an age filled with massive political unrest and growing uncertainty. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It may seem odd to even assume a positive attitude could be toxic \u2014 \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with being happy?\u201d you might be asking. Being happy and positive is great, but where it gets to be toxic is when positivity, happiness, or gratitude are seen as the only valid feelings<\/strong> or when a call to just think positive thoughts is used to push away more difficult emotions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Postpartum depression and social media messaging<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

As rates of postpartum depression rise, the wave of \u201cno bad days\u201d messaging in mommy culture is something worth confronting head on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For a new parent, that may look like being told:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJust be grateful you have a healthy baby.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSome mothers have it so much worse.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThey grow up so fast so enjoy every minute.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

These common and usually dismissive phrases can feel belittling to someone experiencing trauma or anyone just hoping to have some connection and support as a new parent. <\/p>\n\n\n

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At its core, toxic positivity is denialism <\/strong>and it can come from within or pressures from others. Resisting toxic positivity in postpartum and beyond is not about glorifying negativity, but about recognizing that positivity is just one emotion in a mix of many<\/strong>. It isn\u2019t even always the most appropriate or helpful one of the bunch. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you are struggling with sleepless nights, breastfeeding issues, a surgical scar across your abdomen, emotional pain from a difficult birth, or feeling mixed emotions about your changing body, having someone counter your concerns with a \u201clook on the bright side\u201d response is probably not going to make you feel better or fix anything. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It could actually make you feel worse. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Vulnerability and shame<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Not to mention, one of the hallmarks of love is that it\u2019s often based around the ability to be vulnerable and being relentlessly positive sometimes masks vulnerability. Nowhere is this more true than in the parent-infant relationship where tending to the needs of a vulnerable infant is part of the built-in bonding process. We\u2019re prone to label babies as \u201chappy\u201d or \u201cgood,\u201d implying then that there are \u201cbad\u201d babies who cry or don\u2019t sleep enough or eat easily. This is an unrealistic and unfair labeling that puts shame on parents for normal biological things they rarely have much control over. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Toxic positivity in the form of the Positive Mental Attitude Movement (PMA) or \u201cgood vibes only\u201d type will have you believing our brains are magnets. ‘You can control your baby\u2019s sleep through manifesting!’ ‘Your postpartum depression comes from lack of gratitude!’ Beyond this being scientifically unsound (we at MUTU stan science), it\u2019s also a theory of the world which opens up a lot of room for shame. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some of the most obvious issues with this rationale is that it can make the circumstances brought on by systemic racism, economic issues, internalized phobias, birth trauma, mental health disorders, and just smaller plain old regular annoying circumstances seem like they\u2019re just a Law of Attraction meditation session away from being solved. Or worse, that those experiencing these difficult circumstances are simply not positively thinking them away hard enough. <\/p>\n\n\n

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If your social media algorithm<\/strong> has caught you scrolling through any posts with advice on being more positive, it\u2019s likely you\u2019ve come across some positive vibes grifters promising the powers of tummy slimming green juice, manifest your perfect birth courses, baby butt creams charged with higher vibrations, etc. here to turn your life around despite your circumstances. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As gaps in maternal and infant care move increasingly onto the web, so do the trappings of non-experts, spiritual influencers, and \u201cmomfluencers\u201d soft pedaling products promising posi vibes to new mums. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Toxic positivity and the pandemic<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Some psychologists and researchers have pointed out that toxic positivity gained a stronger foothold on the internet<\/a> during the pandemic<\/a>, as influencers and friends turned to platitudes about \u201cgetting through this\u201d in an effort to avoid confronting the fear and anxiety of a chaotic world with so many unknowns. The postpartum period is already a time of so much change and often confusion\/anxiety, even more so when the pandemic forced increased isolation. There was a spike in birth trauma and postpartum depression through the pandemic and access to care was limited, clearing the way for messages full of scams and shame to take root in mothering communities online. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Who to follow instead!<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Fortunately, there are educators, professionals, and influencers taking a stand against this wave of emotional gaslighting online. Psychologists like Whitney Goodman<\/a> who wrote the book <\/a>\u201cToxic Positivity\u201d and who\u2019s Instagram @sitwithwhit<\/a> is incredibly popular and postpartum psychotherapist Robyn Alagona<\/a> (@the_postpartum_therapist<\/a>) take on the \u201cno bad days\u201d tropes of pregnancy and postpartum head on. If you want a healthy dose of \u201ckeeping it real\u201d with some historical context, psychotherapist Azadeh Ghafari (@the.wellness.therapist<\/a>) calls out toxic positivity in its many forms, starting from its roots in masking historical conflict and colonialism. These can be helpful resources when toxic positivity has you feeling stranded on an island of shame for not feeling flooded with gratitude for just surviving birth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The point of turning away from positivity when it gets toxic is that there is something to be gained by being a bit more \u201cin the moment\u201d during a period of your life so full of fluctuations. Thinking less about comparisons, less about the binary of good and bad, less about what others might think, less about pathologizing normal emotions and more on just being aware that you are in a time which requires a lot of you can go a long way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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MUTU tips for dealing with toxic positivity in motherhood<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n