{"id":4013,"date":"2023-03-07T19:17:58","date_gmt":"2023-03-07T19:17:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cms.mutusystem.com\/en-us\/?p=4013"},"modified":"2023-12-31T09:59:39","modified_gmt":"2023-12-31T09:59:39","slug":"see-you-later-postpartum-self-care-were-doing-relational-care-now","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mutusystem.com\/en-us\/post-birth-recovery\/see-you-later-postpartum-self-care-were-doing-relational-care-now\/","title":{"rendered":"See you later, postpartum self-care. We’re doing relational care now."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

As the old saying goes, \u201cIf you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rates of postpartum depression have been rising rapidly across the world in the past three decades. There\u2019s a lot at play there, but researchers are finding that the increased isolation of new parents \u2014 obviously made worse through the Covid 19 pandemic \u2014 are partly to blame. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me, myself, and baby<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve mixed up the idea of very normal, human need for connection and physical support with the idea of codependency. The postnatal period is definitely not the time to be asserting your rugged individualisation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is an odd dynamic at play here. Infants quite literally depend on others to survive. They can\u2019t feed themselves or move themselves, they can\u2019t keep themselves warm \u2014 both in the inability to put on clothes and not even being able to fully regulate their body temperature. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And yet, despite these basic biological facts, the cultural push is for independence. The phrase \u201cindependent sleep<\/a>\u201d has entered the chat in a big way. There\u2019s catchy parenting methods pushing for \u201cYou time\u201d all over the internet. Even the term \u201cself-regulation\u201d has wiggled itself into \u201cgentle\u201d parenting conversations, overstepping \u201cco-regulation,\u201d which is the absolute foundation of infant survival. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Postpartum isolation is not normal<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s only been in the past hundred years or so where these basic needs were meant to be met by just one or two people\/parents. When it comes down to it, pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and parenting in Western culture is highly marketable, highly fear-based, and given a healthy dose of (largely outdated) ideas about morals and women. The reasons for this cultural shift towards independence and \u201cself\u201d at all costs are huge and varied and essentially fodder for a university lecture. You\u2019ll be spared that here, I promise. We can try and engage with the conversation in a more practical way instead. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Easily put, the experiment of taking away the broader community of caretakers in postpartum puts a ton of strain on new parents. Typically, that falls mostly on moms who just gave birth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe we need more \u2018we\u2019 time over \u2018me\u2019 time<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In this situation, it can feel like a gift as much as a burden to be bombarded with the advice toward self<\/em><\/strong>-care. Yeah, the \u2018self\u2019 part of yourself is definitely feeling like it needs some care, but it can feel downright annoying to be told by a nappy commercial voiceover or a kindly neighbor that you should just take a nap or bath or do yoga or cook a supposedly ancient recipe when you spent the day changing those nappies alone while leaking from every possible spot on your body. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Guess what, that ancient soup\u2026? That used to be cooked by ancient grandmas and sisters and housemates. Nappies? Well\u2026those were invented not that long ago, honestly, but all the fluids of postpartum (mom and babe) used to be tended to by the collective whole, as well. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Okay, this is old news\u2026I know. That phrase, \u201cIt takes a village\u201d in full is \u201cIt takes a village to raise a baby,\u201d for a reason. And yet, the basic advice most new moms get is, be the whole darn village and then see if you can squeeze in some \u201cyou\u201d time. That\u2019s not going to cut it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What can I do to create more relational-care?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

We need to shift the cultural dial back toward community care. Though this is easier said than done for many families, there can be shifts both subtle and significant. While we work on better parental leave (especially in the USA where it\u2019s practically non-existent), we can work on redirecting offers of self care toward relational care within our own villages. Here\u2019s some ways to do this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Postpartum community prep in pregnancy<\/h2>\n\n\n\n