A blog by Team MUTU’s Kay.

When I was pregnant I always imagined myself to be able to jump back into hobbies and sports as soon as I had the all clear at my 6 week check. I’d take it slow but would be back at it in no time, I thought.

I’d spent all of my pregnancy walking daily, working on core exercises and enjoying light exercise. I was one of the lucky ones, I felt great through most of my pregnancy and was certain all of this would pay off once I’d given birth and gone through the standard postnatal recovery.

Without this turning into a birth story… Cos that really needs a whole other post… My birth (like many) didn’t go as I’d hoped and was traumatic for me and my baby, but we did it and I now feel like a badass for doing such an amazing thing. But the birth left me emotionally and physically…what’s the word? Broken! Yes, broken kinda works.

“I’m not where I ever imagined myself to be after having a baby.”

And post-birth after leaving hospital, I did what every mom does, I just got on with it, not the first clue what the heck I was doing, emotionally and physically drained… My 6 week check came and went and when things still didn’t feel right I was referred to a women’s health physiotherapist about 3 months pp (Pelvic Physical Therapist if you’re in the US)… Fast forward 7 months and I’m still seeing my wonderful physical therapist, Lynn.

I had a cry today in her office, because I’m not where I ever imagined myself to be after having a baby. As Lynn thrust a box of tissues my way I sobbed, “Why me?! I worked so hard at this before, during and after pregnancy. It’s not fair”… Yeah… I went into full self pity mode, tears, incoherent noise, snot and all. It wasn’t my finest moment!

I hated myself for thinking like this! The truth is, I’d heard other moms chatting about going for a buggy run and I’d felt annoyed!

“I knew I was recovering slowly but it didn’t feel fast enough.”

Why can they go running when I’m not allowed to yet (Lynn’s orders)? I found myself feeling angry after working so hard at strengthening my body and preparing for recovery. I knew I was recovering slowly but it didn’t feel fast enough.

When your postpartum recovery isn’t completely straightforward, whatever your issues are, emotionally or physically, it can be so frustrating to not be able to just fast forward to feeling better again and more like you. There is nothing more frustrating than wanting to feel normal again and it not happen as quickly as you’d like.

So today, after a good cry, I’ve spent some time reconnecting with my body, just being and just breathing, because as frustrating as this process can be from time to time, my body is doing its best to recover and she’s done some pretty amazing things and for that I am so proud… If I turn my back on her now, with all this “why me?!” stuff, it’s not going to speed the process up, in fact it’ll probably hinder it.

“I am allowed to have days where I feel a little crappy about my recovery but then I shake it off and start again”.

So I’m going to keep eating nourishing food that will help my recovery, keep connected with my body even on days where I just want to give up and eat comfort food, I’m going to keep walking every day AND doing my all important core work, which Lynn says is helping massively in my recovery.

I’m giving myself a break, I am allowed to have days where I feel a little crappy about my recovery but then I shake it off and start again with a fierce determination to get better and not settle for anything less than a body that works, makes me feel happy and like me again.

Because I deserve all of these things and then some, and so do you.